I have been going round little circles in my head, twiddling my thumbs, wondering where the path I’ve taken is leading to. It feels sometimes like there is a major conflict going on inside me, yet all this is a struggle to answer the big question, BUT WHY?
I am coming to a definite cross-road in my life where I have to be bold and make some incredibly tough choices. Some like to call them life-defining moments others life altering moments. To me they all mean the same. It’s a point in life where one has to make some big choices, sort of like making a complete U-turn from your comfort zone.
I have been somewhat evading the reality by conjuring up all this desires, longings or illusions of what I want to do. The truth is I’ve been procrastinating Graduate school applications because of the fear of unknown. It’s ironic though that one year ago I was dying for this moment when I’d be clearing school, but now since it’s staring at me in the face…I suddenly feel so uncertain! Talk of walking on uncertain grounds…
I knew I wanted to become a Journalist back when I was in high school. I’ve always had this crazy knack to express myself in writing, and usually when I start writing it’s like some kind of spirit takes over me and I become completely engrossed in what I am trying to communicate. The pen (and yes today the keyboard) is my greatest tool. I can express my rage, my love, my ambitions, my dreams, my fears and all those unspoken feelings better in writing than in any other form of communication.
In the beginning I thought that I was cut out to be a writer, and I do have the skill still, but years spent doing my Undergraduate studies have somehow made me shift my interests into other spheres. Today I love expressing my work in visuals — photography, video, multimedia…Yet it is this myriad of ambitions that bring me face to face with my greatest fear. The fear of conformity, the fear of losing my passion into doing what I feel is an easier task, or goal. Nothing is easy, and furthermore nobody said it would be easy, and writing is not easy! Subconsciously, maybe I am choosing to study Film so that I can avoid the rigorous task of writing, but heck, there is writing in Film too, there is writing everywhere.
My greatest fear at this moment in my life is that I am escaping from what is probably my destiny. Although I go around in small circles avoiding what I love, paradoxically, I still find myself in situations that beg for me to put my writing skills into task. I guess I’m afraid of spending my life not being able to write, and not been able to be creative enough for a lifetime. One thing is for sure, I never want to stop feeling inspired, challenged, excited and passionate about expressing myself in a way that fulfills my innermost desires, and one that draws all kinds of emotions from my readers- as an intended result or by coincidence.
Certainly, I seem to know what I want to do and the only thing remaining is for me to take that leap forth into uncertainty, passion, fulfillment…
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